Picnicking is Dangerous
by Willumyum
Summary: What if a sadistic person was to put every possible pairing (to his liking) on a picnic in a park? Shippings: Yuuji x Shouko, Kubo x Akihisa, Kinoshita x Kinoshita, Aiko x Kouta.
1. Brunch with a Sadist

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners.**

"Will you hurry up with the damned disclaimer already?" A rather impatient person goaded on through a face of nonchalance.

**Almost done, Yuuji. Ah...The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way-**

"The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material," Yuuji quickly finished. "No copyright infringement is intended."

**Ah...Thanks Sakamoto.**

"No problem," Yuuji yawned. "Now hurry up. Shouko's going to quite literally kill me if I'm late for this date she planned for."

**The plot-line will keep you quite safe, dear.**

"That woman will rip through the tender threads of plot that hold me together like it's nothing," Yuuji commented as he grabbed for a dress shirt. "She's completely oblivious to it. She'll do anything to get me to marry her. With her intelligence, bringing me under her fist will be as easy as breaking the fourth wall."

**Like what you're doing now?**

"I should be heading out now. I'll see you again, you dull narrator."

**Someone as insolent as you deserve to live a short life.**

Yuuji scoffed as he threw on his linen suit. He made sure to leave behind a loud bang as he kicked the door closed.

"Damned narrator," Yuuji cursed as he skipped down the stairs of his front porch.

Unfortunately, his troublesome day wouldn't start until a bit later. Perhaps Yuuji himself had an inkling of what was to come, for goosebumps suddenly crawled up and down his body.

"Damn allergies," he cursed again, glancing around him slightly. There was really nothing to see. Even the sky was devoid of clouds. Dazzling sunlight blocked out the minor details of life.

Nonetheless, Yuuji became rather apprehensive.

_Was it yesterday's leftovers? I do have a slight stomachache. Maybe it's from that punch I got from yesterday's brawl, _Yuuji pondered.

"Yuuji..."

_Never mind__. It's that sadistic woman who swore herself to me._

"Shouko..."

"You're not wearing a tie. Your clothes are unkempt. There are stains," Shouko bluntly whispered at him, outstretching her arms in an attempt to fix them.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Yuuji asked through clenched teeth. He pushed her, gently, away from him, and looked the other way.

"I don't need your help at all! I'm fine with how I look!" Yuuji added, crossing his arms.

"Don't be a tsundere," Shouko whispered as she embraced him from behind.

It was an iron grip.

"H-hey! Let me go! And where did you learn that term from?" Yuuji futilely struggled.

"Ero-manga," Shouko whispered into his ear. "I have some in my purse." Shouko shifted her weight slightly, and Yuuji took this chance to break free from her grip.

"Let me see your purse!" Yuuji demanded.

"Are you interested, too?" Shouko winked. Yuuji ripped through the contents, and took out several suspicious-looking books.

"Wait," Yuuji cried after flipping through them. "These are yaoi books!"

"Don't you...do that with Aki anyways?" Shouko placed a hand on her cheeks as she blushed.

"What kind of sick woman are you?!" Yuuji stormed off. "I have my priorities set right!"

"You didn't deny it. Maybe you're the seme...?" Shouko trailed off with a sigh.

_She belongs in an asylum!_ Yuuji panicked.

"Let's uh...head to the park now, aye?"

"Did you bring everything?" Shouko asked.

"About as much as I could carry," Yuuji replied, tossing a rather large body bag onto his back.

"Let's go then," Shouko ordered. But not before placing a collar around Yuuji's neck.

"What's the meaning of this?" Yuuji tugged at it.

"I will not let you look at other girls."

_I'm not walking out of this with my eyes intact. No doubt there will be plenty of scantily-clad women..._

Sensing his distress, Shouko blindfolded Yuuji as well.

"I..What the hell is the meaning of this?" Yuuji cried out in disgust.

"Get on your knees, dog," Shouko commanded softly.

"I refuse!"

Shouko tugged on the collar, and then kneed him down. When Yuuji attempted to fight back, she placed a hand on his neck and squeezed deeply.

"You will comply. Or else...I force your parents to sign that wedding form."

"Gah! Okay!" Yuuji forfeited as he got down on all fours.

"Let's go, doggy."


	2. Swinging with No Plot

**How much of a plot-less story can I make without breaking down?**

Toshimitsu Kubo and Yoshi Akihisa watched as the peculiar event unfolded in front of them. They had seen many strange things, but it usually occurred at school. However, this particular show of dominance and submission was happening on an otherwise normal street.

There was a person on all fours, and that person happened to be-

"Yuuji?" Akihisa frowned. "What's he doing there?"

Kubo pointed to the girl in charge.

"Aren't Kirishima and Yuuji in some kind of relationship?" Kubo asked to remind Akihisa of his friend's predicament. Yoshii took a few seconds before replying.

"I…see…We should help him!" Akihisa closed his hand into fists. "He seems to be in trouble!"

"I think it's better to just let them be," Kubo held him back, placing his hand on Akihisa's shoulder. "After all, you don't want to be murdered, do you?"

"Well…I suppose that's true," Akihisa looked down as he considered the risks of rescuing his friend.

"Besides, it doesn't look like Yuuji's in that much pain," Kubo noted with a face of mild surprise.

The comment flew over Akihisa's head.

"But Yuuji's still my friend! I need to save him!" Akihisa argued, hammering his fist into the open palm of his other hand.

"If my prediction is correct, no doubt we'll see them again," Kubo adjusted his glasses. "No need to worry."

"If…if you say so," Akihisa slowly looked away from the strange scene.

"If that's the case, let us continue our own journey, shall we?" Kubo asked as he extended a hand.

"Am I supposed to take your hand?" Akihisa answered with another question, slightly dumbfounded.

"Never mind," Kubo sighed as he retracted his offer. He waited until Akihisa was to his right before walking again.

"Erm, can I ask why you waited for me to…" Akihisa attempted to put words together.

"No, you may not. Now stop deviating off the course and let us go to the park already!" Kubo unintentionally snapped.

"Sorry…" Except for the sound of sneakers hitting the pavement, all else was silent.

It was an exceptionally quiet Monday. Usually, the streets would have been crowded by tardy teenagers and grumpy businessmen, but the spectacularly wonderful weather must have scared off even the worst of the bunch.

Or maybe it was just summer.

It definitely was just summer. Beware of heatstroke. We're reaching record high temperatures today.

"Wonderful weather we're having, right?" Akihisa asked in an attempt to break the ice.

**Scorching is a better word, Akihisa.**

"I suppose," Kubo contributed to the kindling fire. "I do like this breeze. It reminds me very much of running smooth, white sand through my hands as I frolic through a beach."

"I see. Do you like going to the beach?" Akihisa was suddenly very curious.

"No, I actually don't." Kubo quickly extinguished the flame of curiosity. "I don't like anything that doesn't help me with education."

Akihisa stumbled onto the next question.

"Why did you suggest going to the park, then?"

Kubo choked, rather suspiciously, on his own saliva.

"That's...another matter," Kubo quickly looked away. "That's none of your business," he repeated.

"I see. I suppose you..." Akihisa droned off.

"I what?" Kubo nervously asked.

"I see that you like..."

Cold sweat gathered around Kubo's forehead. Did he make it that obvious?

"I see that you like having friends!" Akihisa blurted out, emitting a huge smile, almost as if he was congratulating himself for his stupidity.

"Yeah!" Kubo quickly agreed. "Wait, what were you hinting?"

"Nothing, you know? I always see you going home right after school, so I thought you had no friends!" Akihisa explained.

_What._

"Yoshi...I definitely have friends."

What little ice was melted froze over again. Kubo was clearly no lady-killer. Well, even if he was, it wouldn't help him out much in this case.

They continued walking in uncomfortable silence. Lack of comfort obviously stemmed from the awkwardness of the two, but high humidity certainly didn't help. Good and bad do balance out however, for upon stepping foot into the park, AKihisa soon found a rather unlimited supply of eyecandy.

"It's rather…crowded," Akihisa pointed out the obvious.

"Indeed." Kubo was surprisingly terse.

_Competition. I can sense it, _Kubo growled to himself.

"Shall we find somewhere to sit?"

When he received no reply, Kubo glanced over to see what was preoccupying Akihisa. The slight amount of drool glistening off his lips was a telltale sign that he was greedily molesting girls with his eyes again.

"Aki!" Kubo indignantly cried.

"Wha…huh?" Akihisa snapped awake.

"Please, stop staring. It's indecent," Kubo meekly warned him. He really wanted to murder the idiot, but then he would lose his love interest.

"Is there something wrong?" Akihisa obliviously asked him.

_Yes. You're still alive._

"Nothing. It's just indecent," Kubo turned his back to Yoshii, and quickly walked away.

"Gah! Sorry, wait up!" Yoshii called after him. "Please, just tell me what's wrong!"

Kubo stopped underneath a cherry blossom tree. He propped a foot against the trunk, and looked off to the distance.

_Do I look cool enough, in this pose? _

The scattered leaves of pink shades sympathized with him.

_Oh, right. I still have to deal with this idiot. It would be nice if I could just explain to him what's troubling me, but I fear that the thin thread of friendship that ties us together would be endangered if I did. _

"Can I take a guess at what's troubling you?" Akihisa made a sudden request.

Kubo took his offer into consideration. After some thought, he concluded that there wasn't much to lose.

"Why not, go ahead," Kubo nodded.

"I think that you're uncomfortable being with me, right? You see all these boys here, and they all have girlfriends, and you're probably going, 'Gah, why did I bring Aki along', right?" Akihisa quickly explained.

_What._

"I'm not regretting my choice of inviting you. I'm pretty happy that you came," Kubo decided this would be the better answer.

"I see…So that makes me…" Akihisa's gears started turning again. "Your friend, right?"

_The low price of intuition must have been the only incentive for him to enroll in my school._

"I guess you can say that," Kubo sighed again. How could a person be so close to the truth, yet stumble so far?

"I see. So I'm still wrong," Akihisa thought out loud.

_Indefinitely so._

"How about I make it up to you? There's a playground around here, and we can go, erm, swinging!"

"Wow, I forgot I was a kindergartner," Kubo scoffed.

"H-hey! Swinging is fun, you know? I mean, yeah, we all try to be mature and old, but sometimes it's nice to be a kid again. Besides, we're still kinda kids, aren't we?" Akihisa explained his reasoning.

"I don't know."

"Come on, man. Forget about books for a while. The others haven't arrived yet, so you might as well as have some fun before it gets all crazy!"

Kubo reflected upon Akihisa's odd offer. He didn't know whether to accept it or not. After all, he found plenty of fun just from reading scholarly reports and conducting his own research. But then again, Kubo wasn't at home.

_Perhaps different environments call upon different entertainment,_ Kubo concluded.

"Alright, I guess. There's no harm in swinging, is there? I mean, there is a possibility that I could potentially fall off the swing and hurt myse-"

Akihisa grabbed onto the blabbering Kubo, and raced towards the children-infested playground.

"There's no time to talk! Just grab one before the little kids do," Akihisa ordered.

"Eh, erm, but that's not nice!" Kubo complained. He quickly changed his mind when a kid several feet shorter than him attempted to push him down. Kubo kicked the child away, and then timidly grabbed onto a swing.

"What do I do now?"

"Uh, you sit on it. Yeah, that's a first," Akihisa said. "Then you, like, just push off from the ground."

Sensing Kubo's confusion, Akihisa demonstrated the odd feat of lifting himself into the air.

"See? Not hard at all."

"You know how I like things done," Kubo reminded Yoshii as he attempted to recreate liftoff. "I want to make sure I do it right."

"Well, I think that you don't need to be perfect at everything. Isn't it achieving the goal that matters, and not how you achieve it?"

"Not necessarily," Kubo objected. "I mean, we practically went around in circles in a story with no plot until now."

"True," Akihisa agreed. "We did kind of just stumble around."

"I think that's just because the author isn't good at making long works."

"At least we're speaking!" Akihisa optimistically smiled. "Besides, it's a picnicking story. How much of a plot can you make?"

"A space journey would be nice," Kubo daydreamed.

"With an impromptu visit to the pool!" A tiny amount of drool on Yoshii's lips glittered in the bright sunlight.

"Yeah. So, how long before the others arrive?"

"They should all be here by the next chapter. Wait, I mean, by twelve."

"You broke the fourth wall again, Yoshii?"

"Sorry. You have to do it once in a while. It's really fun, haha. Just like going on the swings. You should close your eyes and feel the wind and have the breeze go into your face and..." Akihisa droned on and on and on.

Kubo decided to listen to Yoshii anyways. He slammed his eyes shut, and tightly held on to the chains.

"Doesn't it feel relaxing?"

"I feel as if my life is on the line!"

"It kinda is!" Akihisa pointed out. "But the lines are the chains, haha!"

**Alright, we're going to leave the two goons behind for now.**


End file.
